You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
