to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
