I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
