Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
