She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
