phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
