Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
