The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
