you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When are your genitals available?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
