I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
