some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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