Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
