It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
