I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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