No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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