Apparently you make a good broom.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize