I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
