She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
