i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
