I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
