walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
