I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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