I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
