WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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