I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
