I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
