Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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