Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
