If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
