I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
is this the sara with the beer cane?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
