Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
