Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
