A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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