i think my tv is drunk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
