Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
