Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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