What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
