Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
