So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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