just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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