I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
