I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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