masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
