Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
