Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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