Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
