we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
