True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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