You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
