She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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