My room smells like vodka and shame
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Who died my cat blue again?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
