opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
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