Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
