Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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