i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
