you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
