My balls are so social today.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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