After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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