Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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