I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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